So here I am again in Colorado. Only this time it’s so different. Last time it was a vacation/ “is this where God is calling me” time for a friend, and I was the support. This time it’s to help her get settled because that answer was yes. But for me it’s amazing to look back and see how much I’ve grown since the last time.
Last trip there was so much going on in my life. So much God was gently calling me to work through with Him, and I was terrified. He was calling me to let go of some detrimental things in my life that had been with me for so long constantly fighting and sometimes just giving in that they had become part of my identity. I had bought the enemy’s lie that I would never be free. That the joy and peace others knew, was never for me. I was too damaged, too messed up, made too many bad choices, and I should just be thankful for my salvation. Little did I know how incredibly wrong all that was.
But there I was thrown into a huge situation that was so out of my comfort zone. Even though we were staying with and meeting other brothers and sisters in our same church family, and there was comfort with that, I was still meeting new people in a new place. It was also the first major trip I had gone on since becoming an adult, and it wasn’t with my Indy church family. Which most of my trips were church related and with them. All that alone was enough to send me into panic attacks. (Plus, the elevation difference is no joke, especially with fibromyalgia). Then there was the looming fact that not too long after getting back to Indy I was going to start some hard healing and deal with things I knew to heal God would have to painfully open up those incorrectly healed wounds to heal them correctly. I was terrified because I knew that was going to be painful. And it was.
There were so many times in the months to follow, I wanted to throw in the towel. Say the pain was too much and I was too weak and just live in my broken misery for the rest of my life. But God kept speaking to my heart. He kept promising me that even though it felt like He was tearing everything down, He would not leave it that way. He would rebuild me into something better and beautiful. And He did and is!
So here I am again here, in Colorado for round two. But this time I’m on the other side of major healing. This time I have unshakable joy. This time I have unshakable faith and hope in God and His word and who He says He is! And even though I’m still human and awkward and prone to social anxiety in new situations. It’s not crippling. I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to let God work with that and to work through those panicked emotions with Him in the moment to find His peace and His confidence that I’m okay in His eyes. I’m perfect to Him despite my awkward, despite the areas He is still growing me, despite the areas He’s still healing. And that helps me to not fall to pieces when I’m awkward or panic in new situations. Because I know my Heavenly Father is already pleased with me, and that is all that matters.
Round two? It’s so different then last time. And even though this trip means I’ll be saying goodbye for now to a dear friend and there are emotions with that. That joy of the Lord is still there. And that is making this time a world of difference!