I wrote this about a month ago, and apparently writing things out still din’t resolve the issues because it has been silence for awhile from me, but I’m here now.  So here is a little of the explanation of what’s been going on. My hope is to get back to posting more regularly and to specifically share more of the ministry God has put on my heart.  Thank you for giving me grace and understanding.

Maybe I don’t have to have it all figured out.  And maybe it’s okay if I don’t ever feel like I completely have it together.  Maybe I’m not the only one.  And if maybe I’m not the only one, then maybe it’s okay to be real.  Maybe it’s okay to be honest and not always perfect.  I’ve made a point over the last few years of discipling young ladies in college ministry to never put on a front to appear as if I had my life together.  At least that was never my intention, and when one of them started to talk like I had my life figured out I’ve always been quick to jump in with a strong, “nope”.  But why is it so much harder to be real in front of strangers?  To be real on social media?  

I started my public social media platforms and this blog as a way to encourage others right where they are.  To be real.  To encourage them that they aren’t alone in their mess, chaos, picky skin, unruly hair, health issues, or what ever.  That was my purpose.  That was my hope.  So what happened?  Some where along the way I feel I got lost.  And when I got lost my whole Redeemed Journey idea seemed to fade.  I’m just busy and there isn’t enough time to do it all.  That’s what I would tell myself and friends who would inquire how the blogging thing was going.  But to be honest, that’s not the reason.

Yes, I am busy.  Yes, my business has been distracting me from my blog and the corresponding social media, but not all of the business was necessary.  It hit me the other day, this extreme frustrated feeling like God was gently whispering for me to step out more and to trust Him.  That He was bringing me back into focus–back into focus on what I had started with the re-launch of my blog and this whole Redeemed Journey idea.  But I freaked out!  I’m super good at freaking out.  No seriously!  I honestly sometimes feel like my default mode is “freak out”.  But I think my freak out was motivated by fear.

Fear.  I often have to drive or walk around processing life, emotions, and things out with my self  and with God.  This past Sunday was one of those.  You ever had one of those moments where you haven’t taken time to feel your emotions or be still before God and let Him unravel the mess of thoughts and emotions in your heart.  So out of nowhere, a sentence someone speaks or a verse or even song hits something deep in you that you hadn’t even taken the time to notice was an issue.  And that instant cues all of the thoughts and emotions to come cascading out into a rush of every emotion know to humans all at the same time.  Anyone else relate?  Maybe it’s just me. lol Well anyway, that was me Sunday evening.  It was a mess.  I was a mess, but that’s okay.  Because as I was wading through the waterfall of the thoughts and emotions pouring out of my heart, I started to realize the root of many of them was fear.  I realized that I was afraid to really pursue my blog and writing and speaking about my story because of fear.  I am afraid of rejection, afraid that if I’m real and open up about the mistakes i’ve made and how I used to be before Christ changed my life, people would look at me differently.  I am afraid that I’ll put all this time and effort into all this and I’ll have one reader who is my close friend who if just reading out of support and pity.  I am afraid that I’m not professional enough.  I’m not prepared enough or perfect enough.  I have half of a plan and a lot of prayer and fighting to trust God, and that’s it.  I am afraid I look like a wanna be who completely stinks at marketing.  Who’s Instagram is clearly take by a clueless person on selfie mode half the time(because it is).  My pictures are far from professional.  And consistency in the middle of being present in life has never been my strong suit. 

I realized I had filled my spare time that normally would have been put toward writing into listening to hours of podcasts learning about social media and marketing and how to build you brand and start a ministry.  And while those things started out good and well meaning, I tend to get obsessive.  And soon all those helps were implanted and engulfing the simple call of Jesus to just take small obedient steps and trust Him.  And there is was.  The root of all the fear.  I was afraid of God– afraid that He wasn’t putting these things on my heart.  I was afraid that He wouldn’t walk through every little step, that He couldn’t use me right where I am.  That He couldn’t use me until I got my life together, figured out my plan for my blog, got a professional photographer, and had everything all professional.  But that’s not truth.  That’s not how God works.

You can read all the how to books, articles, and listen to all the marketing and branding podcasts.  But at the end of the day, you have to take a deep breath, let it out, and do.  And if it’s something God has put on your heart then know that He is right beside you.  Seek his wisdom.  Remember life sometimes takes detours and we make mistakes.  But that’s part of being human.  The important thing is to learn and get back up and try again or try something else.  And to remember that if we are seeking God and leave our dreams and plans in His hands everyday, then even when I am not consistent or I feel like it’s all a flop, I can cling to the promise that God doesn’t let anything go to waste.  Whether it’s to grow me or others.