As I’m writing this I’m sitting on a bus waiting for it to shuttle me back from another Christian Music Day at the Indiana State Fair. But this one was different for me. Not because of the food, the animals, or even the people watching. No, it was profound because it was one puzzle piece to my journey of healing.
God peels away the layers of hurt and improperly healed wounds, but unfortunately that is a process. And it’s a hard one. My counselor and others are always saying how it gets worse before it gets better. So last year I worked through so much of it. I worked through such intense emotions, pain, and trauma. It was definitely one of the hardest years of my life. There were so many days I wanted to give up and just return to the life that seemed to have an unrelenting grip on me. It kept whispering in my ear that I would never be free and to stop fighting. But I didn’t listen. I kept fighting. And God broke through in a crazy way and did some amazing spiritual surgery. But unfortunately, healing is a process.
So I had a breather of sorts. It was filled with tremendous joy and peace like I had never experienced. But there is still healing to be had. And painful things to work through. And my response to this, “But God, I’m so tired. Can I please just be done? Can’t it just be enough?” He response gently to my heart that He once again will hold my hand and walk through this with me.
If you know anything about me you know that music is dear to my heart. There are songs that get me pumped and ready to go, ones that make me think, ones that make me dance, and once that hit so sharp God uses them as part of the spiritual surgery. One of those songs is “Priceless” from For King and County. To be honest their music has spoken to my heart for years, but when that song hit the radio I had barely begun my healing. It cut through walls I had put up in my heart. Cut through walls I didn’t think could be cut through. I wanted to believe the words. But I didn’t. I didn’t even have any idea how to begin with believing that I was priceless. Then the movie by the same title came out. And the spiritual surgical knife cut even deeper. With all that, the fight for healing had begun.
Here I was today, where I had been years before. In a crowd desperately trying to see and keep some personal space as to not go into full blown anxiety attack while listening to a band. But this time it was profoundly different. It is different because I’m in a new place in life. One where so much of my heart has healed and yet still so much of it feels like it’s split back open and it is bleeding once again. I don’t know what’s happened. And if I’m honest, I’ve been crying so much to God lately. Wanting to know if this is it? Is this my life? A cycle of healing followed by the stitches ripping out? Will there ever be a time for the wounds to heal and stitches to be properly removed? I wish God would answer. But He doesn’t. At least not the way I wanted. Instead He answers once again that He is with me. And when life circumstances brought me back to the panic attacks and depression worse then it had been in a while. A song came out that breathed hope into my weary heart.
That song, “God only Knows”. I hit repeat on that song while I tightly held my Heavenly Father’s hand. And I cried. Today, I was there, off to the side of the stage singing my heart out to For King and Country. It was all amazing as usual, fun as usual. I smiled and danced with a “Joy” that is honestly still there even if the panic and depression are clouding it right now. I cried and I let the words sink into my thirsty heart. They sang “Priceless” and it was the one song I found myself not able to sing. I so desperately want to believe the words! I so desperately want to believe deep in my heart that I am so valuable that I’m priceless. If I’m honest the words seem weird and awkward to me. I can say it to other ladies, but when I try to say it about myself, in my mind it doesn’t fit. But I let the words soak in, and I let God’s love and truth cut through even deeper wounds.
It’s a process. Even though I’m still in that process, I have come so far. Part of that was at the end of the concert. I got to meet Joel one of the singers and one of the main actors in the movie Priceless. And no, there isn’t a picture, not this time. My purpose was only to let him know how much their music and the movie meant to me. How much of an impact it has had on my life. My other purpose was to take another step of healing and share part of my story. And I did. It’s hard enough meeting someone you look up to let alone putting a little bit of your heart out there by exposing a small glimpse of a story that I used to fight like mad to keep from getting out. My counselor and dear friends keep telling me that sharing is so important to the process of healing. And I have to say I’m beginning to agree with them. The kindness in his eyes spoke volumes and the kind hug meant the world. I used to to hate hugs. But there is something healing in a hug that isn’t weighted down by expectations or has hidden agendas.
So here I am reminding myself once again as tears stream down my cheeks, that not only is healing a process, but so is life. Maybe one day the panic attacks and the cycle with depression will subside. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll one day believe deep in my heart that I am priceless. But no matter what, I know I can cling to my Heavenly Father’s hand knowing that He is walking me through this process of life. Knowing that He has wrapped me in His protective embrace. No hidden motives. Not expecting anything from me other than to let Him protectively lead me through whatever He has for me.