To the ones who maybe can relate and those who are trying to figure us out

To the ones who maybe can relate and those who are trying to figure us out,

I’m trying to be okay. I’m trying to be brave and step into new things, but I’ve been so comfortable for so long that the newness and unfamiliarity are wreaking havoc on my mind and heart. Things I thought were healed are shifting and being stretched to nearly being open wounds again. My reaction is to step back to what I know, what is comfortable, what I know is proven to be safe, but there is something telling my heart to stay. Something that is whispering this is for my good. But it’s hard to believe when I feel like I’m falling apart. My heart is racing, and RUN is on a loop in my mind. I’m near to tears so much of the time. But I’m trying to be okay.

I’m trying to learn to let others in and to trust those outside my trusted circle, but I haven’t done this for so long. And my mind just keeps going back to times of broken trust and misused vulnerability, those who left, and those who blamed me for things I was a victim of.  I’m trying to let others help, but for so long I’ve learned to be strong, independent, and to only depend on God and me. But maybe God is trying to teach me He can use others too. I mean I know this, learned this once before, but here I am again having to learn it all over–again… But I’m trying to be okay.

I’m trying to keep it all together because I hate breaking down. Hate trying to explain the chaos in my mind. Hate trying to explain why the silliest things freak me out, put panic in my heart, and why sometimes everything in me screams RUN! And I’m left with the inward fight just to STAY. Why I desperately want to be a “huggy” person but struggle because I’ve learned even hugs aren’t always well-meaning. I rather go numb and shut down than to feel all the feelings and take the energy to sort them all out. Because honestly, I haven’t been sleeping much lately. But I’m trying to be okay.

I’m trying to be okay… No, seriously I am, but I’m tired of trying to be okay. It’s hard when the pain rips through your heart like a slow drawn-out knife cut. And I’m tired and trying to be okay takes so much. Can I just be? Like really trust people enough to just be where I am instead of worrying about expectations and disappointing people? Can I just figure out how to deal with these feelings that have decided to make their way around again? Because I feel like they might be lingering shadows that will never fully go away. So can I just be me? Can I just be the mess; the, I know none of this probably makes sense; the yes, here we are again running life in circles, me?

And yes, there is so much progress in my life. And so many ways God has redeemed and broken through, but maybe there is still much work to do? But it’s hard to walk through healing when I still remember how painful the first layer was. And yes the joy and freedom were worth it all, but all my mind can focus on is the pain and fear. And it’s hard because the night sky has been cloudy for a while now and my heart longs to see stars again and to let them warm my heart and breathe life into me.

So can I just be here? Can I just sit in my quiet and tears sometimes? Can I just be here in my smiles and laughter and raised hands in praise–because at the end of the day I am not the same person I once was, and I’m so incredibly thankful for that. Can I just be honest with my questions and fears and struggles and brokenness?

I know you say, yes, I can just be. But know, I’m wrestling even still to just be–here.

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