That familiar feeling stirs and swirls around me

And then crawls up my spine until it lands in my chest

My heart pumps faster-I swear I feel it ever speeding beat

Sweat beads form down my back as it makes it way to my head

The thoughts of a million things all at once and yet nothing at all run around in chaos

Fear and run are attached to every thought

I breathe in and slowly out

But RUN grows increasingly louder

It creeps back down and I feel the tightening in my chest

The breathes in get more difficult

Tears start to burn the backs of my eyes as they threaten to escape

Breathe–I tell myself

I have to get out–of here–this place–this situation–this conversation–this memory

Out! I have to get out

And I start to pace

The temperature in the space I am has to have risen at least 100 degrees

Invisible–oh how I wish I was invisible

Stay calm–breathe–I say to myself as I pace even more.

Is this even working?

Tears are now threatening to increase the attention to what is going on

I’m walking now the cool air starts to hit my face

And a slight calm seems to be fighting to take hold

This is panic

Familiar and still terrifying and frustrating

It can sometimes come out of nowhere without warning

It can make me suspicious of even the most trusted of friends

It can make me want to pack a bag and take off to start lie all over again

It can make old memories resurface and convince me they are the present

Though I know it is not my identity

In those moments it can have such a hold on me

But I know that my identity is in Christ

And He brings me peace

He is the cool breeze on my face

As He restores my calm

He holds me tightly in His arms reminding me that He is always with me