I know I’ve been told that we live in a noisy world. We live in a world with distractions, and noise, and commotions, and chaos all around. We have things to easily distract us. And sometimes that seems safer than the silence. So I crank up my music and pack my days with people just to avoid the silence. Because in the silence I get lost in my head. In the silence I sit in anticipation of Jesus to speak to my heart and when I hear silence and feel nothing my heart breaks and I feel so alone. Then the lies and the doubt creeps in, and the next thing I know I’m ugly crying in public places in front of people I barely know. But even those moments God uses. And I see that moment as a moment when God started something in my heart.
I think I had been so busy doing things for God that I hadn’t realized that somewhere my heart my relationship with God had kind of drifted. Yes, I was writing things about God and starting a ministry with God, but my personal relationship with God had drifted. But I didn’t see it until I recently started getting more involved with a group of young adults from different churches. I first went to grow in the Lord and make more connections with brothers and sisters in Christ. But then new situation and having to make new friends started to stir up wounds and things I thought were healed. So in my panic I reached out to God, but I started to realize I was struggling to feel His peace and hear His voice. Which was unsettling. Then I started hearing the brothers and sisters around me with what they were getting out a scripture and their excitement and passion for God’s word. And something snapped in me. I realized I had lost that. So I started to read all the more, and study, and listen to all the theology things, and say the prayers, and pray for others, and basically doing all the things. I was fighting for that passion and heart again. I was going out to hear God speak, and I would beg and cry and be like “Speak God! Please speak! I need You to speak!” And while that’s not wrong. That wasn’t the problem.
So now it’s starting to connect. Several things God has been trying to tell me through several people over a few months now. Funny how here I was panicking that God wasn’t speaking when He actually has the whole time. It just wasn’t what I was looking for or wanted His speaking to look. (Sometimes we need to check our expectations at the door) But the past days bits and pieces have started to click and then tonight it all kinda just fell into connection between my head and heart.
I honestly got really excited when I started to feel something stirring in my heart—it had been a while since that. I realized as the words left my mouth to a sister in Christ that God was speaking them directly to me too. It was the reason I felt their was a block or a wall was because I wasn’t surrendering everything to Him. There were things I was trying to control and trying to hold onto. Things I had once set at His feet that suddenly in that moment realized I had somewhere picked back up again and was trying to do things in my own. I had been trying to force hearing God. I had been trying to do all the things instead of just being. Instead of just surrendering every part of my heart and life.
After I left I went to process and talking things out with God, and as I did I just started to specifically surrender the things that God was pointing out I had picked back up from His feet. And the more I did the more His peace and joy washed over me. I could feel my numb heart starting to feel again.
I’m reminded that I am still learning. Still growing. Still healing. There will be times where I’ll probably realize I picked things back up from at Jesus’ feet and will have to re-surrender things again. But that’s okay—as long as re-surrendering is what I do. And I’m still learning to give up control of what this new season of life will look like. What fitting into these new groups will look like. And just being there. Surrendering it all to Jesus and just being.