Not the Worst…but Not How You Want to Start the Morning

Last night I went to bed earlier than I have been with the intention of getting up early and going to a park or something to work on my writing homework and to do some reading. I woke up a little after 8am this morning and one of the first things I do is check my phone. I saw that I had a mossed call. I didn’t recognize the number, but they had left a message so I thought that it was one of my friends calling to let me know that they had gotten a new number. So I played the message. It was the doctors office calling me back with the results from my blood work. They told me that all my tests were normal(which I was thankful for, but at the same time frustrated because once again they don’t know what’s wrong with me.), but then she said except my blood sugar was a little high. My heart stopped…she said that it was only about one point higher than normal but still high. She went on to say that they wanted me to come in and take some more tests…by then my head felt like it was swimming. I knew what it meant. I could have diabetes or be at risk or something like that.

I’ve been through this several years ago when a doctor freaked us all out by miss diagnosed me with diabetes instead of with the urinary tract infection that I really did have. I got up and to sit on the screened in porch still trying to process everything. A storm was blowing in. Which seemed appropriate for the storm threatening to run ramped in me. I know that this may not have been the worst news I could have ever received and I may not even have it. Weird things do happen! I would know. It is hard for me because of several things. For one thing, it isn’t like no big deal. It is a big deal, and that makes it scary for me. It is also hard for me because I don’t do well with needles or blood at all! When I had my blood taken last Monday I got all light headed and stuff. I did better than I have in the past, but still not great. I was also mad at myself for not being able to conquer my weight so that this might not be an issue right now. My weight is a very complicated issue with me…. I’m just mad that I couldn’t over come those issues and get it right. Then there was also the whole fact of well great everything else came back normal so they still don’t know what’s causing my other problems. So this whole frustration, fear, and regret is just hitting me like a ton of bricks right now. I just want to escape…go to a park….fade away through the pages of a book, or through the words I put to paper. Something!

Some of you might think I’m over reacting. I maybe, but I can’t help how I feel… I wrote this because I needed to vent…and this seemed like the less threatening way to do so. Well, the sun is starting to peek through the clouds so I’m going to go get ready to do some escaping. People say that I run from my problems. I’m not running I do deal with my problems head on….with God. This is just how I deal with things. It’s not because I’m mad at someone….It’s just how I’ve learned to become…. I don’t even know why I’m rambling on like this. I’ll stop before I say too much. I will get through this….I fought through much in my life. I am a fighter….and I have God on my side.
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