Well, here it is July 7 and I am happy to say that I am still going strong with my music challenge! I have found it easier as time went a long to listen to nothing but Christian music. I also came to realization that it was the hardest not to turn the tuner knob in my car to Radio Now, WZPL, or one of the other secular stations that I would often listen to, when I was upset, mad, or unhappy with something in my life. When I was like this I had to stop myself from turning that knob. I’d even begin to justify turning it with, “It’s not that big of a deal…No one would know.” Every time though I’d be like “No!” I’m can do this. Pretty soon I began to see that wanting to turn away from Christian “stuff” went much further than just music. It is a struggle in every part of my life. When I am angry at someone or a circumstance, or I’m upset it is so easy for me to throw a thousand “whys” and “I don’t get its” God’s way. Then I get frustrated because I can’t see how this is all supposed to work out in the end and I start to run the other way, away from God. It’s so easy for me in those moments to not read my Bible, not pray, and not go to church. My natural reaction is push everyone away even Jesus and mope all by myself. I have to laugh at how silly this all seems, but it’s not some “no big deal” “silly” thing…it’s something that hinders my growth closer to God.
I don’t really know why I is easier for me to run away from God when things get shaky. I mean He is God. He is all powerful. It seems like it would make much more sense to run to Him than away. All I know is that I’m human and as a human I do stupid things. =) Part of it I know is the enemy whispering lies in my ears that “God doesn’t really love me” “He’s not really forgiving” or “What if He’s not really real?” I know that I push people away because I feel vulnerable and I’m scared that they’ll see the insecure me and not like that “me” and disappear or that I’ll be a burden because they already have enough going on in their life. I guess that somehow I kind of believe that about Jesus too, even though that’s crazy because he already see everything I do, He knows everything in my heart, and He hears every thought in my head. I’m glad that I saw all of this so clearly these past few weeks!
So, I am going to take this music challenge even further! Every time I get upset and frustrated with something in my life and I feel myself turning to run in the other direction, I’m not going to let myself. When I want to just turn on the tv and block out all my thoughts, I will let myself feel all those emotions and pour it all out to Jesus. I will pick up my Bible and read through my favorite Psalms. Whatever it takes to keep myself from run away and to keep myself running to God! I am not saying that I will not have a moment where I run the opposite direction, but I am going to learn to trust God completely and let Him wrap me in His amazing love when I feel down. =)
Have a fantastic day! =)