Dear Lexi

I wrote this one a while ago when I was doing a lot of processing out things through poems. But I decided not to post it. I’ve wrestled through a lot of the emotions tied to this one and thought this was now finally time. There were three poems I wrote during that time a few months back-actually a think a year or so ago. I will be posting at least one more of the three remaining here this week or so. The third…will happen if it’s supposed to when it’s supposed or it may have just been for me.

We used to stay up late counting stars

Now wonder where you are

I knew he wasn’t good for you

But his words of flummery grew

And you became no match for what you saw as flattery

His ploy in place

To create space between me and all your friends

Luxury life and the promise of freedom from your family’s fights

His listening ear deafened you to the lies

And the words of eulogy were really your casualty

And just like that days and hours gone

And stars became faint shimmers in a darkening sky

Trust complicated by erroneous safety

You mistook listening for love

And void words stole the joy from your soul

Late night hours

Screen with mind re-working powers

Too many videos and words to stream

Too many empty promises

Watching your childhood crumble makes my heart scream

You were searching for peace

Searching for love

Searching for someone for family secrets to keep

You were searching for something your pain to ease

We used to climb trees

And hide and seek among the cornfields

When boys had cooties 

When life was elementary

But that was before questions were raised

Before your tiny bold faith caved that day

Before you went on a scavenger hunt

To understand and cover what had scavenged your heart

And into the world of graphic conversations 

Innocence slaying images

And talk of more money than either of us could understand

I understand the pull-the thrill of it all

But when you went away I lost part of me

When you stepped into what you saw as your fate

You sent my heart to the grave

Who I was would never be

You didn’t know your willing choice took my innocence too

And I know I will never find you

Who you once were

The one I knew who would stare at stars without the weight of the world on her mind

The one who would wade through creeks

And sit as still as possible to simply spot a close encounter with a squirrel

Who you were before you became, Lexi