There is something that has just hit me. And maybe this is a duh, but also maybe this will be a pivot moment for someone else too.
The Bible, God’s Word is a sword. Yes, I knew that, but I have a new perspective. Can I be super honest with you? I’ve been really wrestling with my faith and God lately. He has seemed incredibly silent and distant no matter how much I sing praises, talk to Him, and sit and be still. No matter how much a I read His word.
Last week was when I got to the point where I started questioning if this was all fake. If it was some construct that worked for me for awhile but now didn’t anymore. And to my dear friends who have decided that their answer to that question is “yes”, I get you. Because I was there. I realized for the first time how someone could walk away from their faith and decide it wasn’t real or wasn’t for them.
But there is a fight in me. I’ve been a fighter since I can remember-I think I was born that way. And I kept fighting to stay believing God. Even when everything was shouting walk away. And I chose to cling to little moments and reminders of how He was still working in lives around me even though I didn’t see it in my life right now.
And I haven’t given in yet. So last night when I opened my Bible to read the same Psalm chapters I’ve camped on for the past month. I struggled with the why. Why was I reading this when I felt like I was just going through the motions. Like I was doing it because I should. And then it hit me and a new fervency rose up. I’m reading it because it’s an active stance that I’m not letting go of God and my faith just because I feel so disconnected with it all.
Even if the words seem to mean nothing to me. His word is a sword! And my reading it now is using it to actively fight the enemy who would want me to walk away.
So I will continue to read His Word. I will continue to talk to God and pray. I will continue to sing worship to Him even if my emotions disconnect. And even when all this feels pointless and fake. I will remind myself that they are steps of fighting for my faith. Fighting for my relationship with my Abba who I know is real even when my heart and everything around me is trying to convince me otherwise.
Because His Word is a sword.